i wrote the plan partially as a joke in my apartment in hyde park. i had resoved to leave grad school and i had a really clear vision of what God was calling me to do. i thought i was called to be a wandering preacher. i knew i was called to germany and had booked a flight, said goodbye to my family.
but i also knew i might have problems finding the right community. i am traditional and there arent traditional franciscan or dominican communities in germany. i am also a traditional catholic who doesnt particullarly like the spirit of catholic traditionalism. so i wrote up a provisional plan for my own formation, partially as a fun exercise but partially in earnest. If God wants this, and i dont find a community, ill have to try to see if i can fulfill it alone under the direction of a priest.
in any case, when i got to freiburg where i had studied before, and where i did know a few good priests, the first priest i went to and told about what i thought my calling was told me there is no place for you to do that in germany. the dominicans and franciscans are liberal here, and you arent. i couldnt advise you to go to them. and so began the short experiment with my provisional plan. a rule of life, and a plan of study or formation. except this priest was very old and could hardly hear, he died within a few months of this first meeting. but i started step for step to try to conform ot the plan. to live without money, to live with next to nothing. praying the little office, only studying scripture, etc.
but the controversial part of the plan, and one that was sort of fun to think about while in your living room in chicago, but more daunting for me, who was well known for being a good dresser in grad school, was the fact i put a potato sack as the habit for the vocation in my plan. i thought, st francis said humiliation is a road to humility, ive never been very humble, so i should go for broke on this front. what would be the most embarrasing thing to wear, that would also have some positive edifying theological meaning. the obvious answer was a potato sack. its simple, easy to get, its insane, and embarassing. so i wrote it into my plan.
but as i went step for step into compliance with the rule, and found a priest to guide me, he was very soon after replaced as he didnt really get the vocation, i was rewarded for conforming to what i had written. even the first week of living without money. i prayed, ˋok God i want a guide to the divine mercy chaplet in german, im going without money so i cant buy it, please give it to me.ˋ and i think three days later a man i had never met before came up to me without warning or provocation and gave me the exact book i had prayed for. i was astounded but a weeks later i got used to this sort of thing happening. and it made the form of life an all the more fascinating experiment and exciting that it seemed to be checking out.
but i returned to the sack. i had no intention of wearing it. i hated the idea of doing that. in any case, i made a big mistake one day and saw some jute coffee bags outside of a coffee shop in the inner city of freiburg. i remembered my plan. they would be the perfect size, i thought. and so i told God. ´ok if you want me to get one of those, i need five euro tomorrow.´ and sure enought, without solicitation, a man i came into conversation with the following day found out i was living on the streets and gave me five euro at the end of the conversation. i bought the 3 euro bag the next day.
and put it in a locker i had at a homeless shelter for safe keeping. it was january. it was cold. i didnt want to wear it anyway. in any case, that following year, so 2020 in holy week i was examining my life. i had upended everything, given up my dream really of being a professor (i had at this point only paused my studies and not broken off my course of study), but in some sense i knew this was way better, or could be. God doesnt like to use scholars. or at least its not his first choice. st paul seemed to get this and spent his whole life running away from who he really was, a highly educated pharasee.
but as i examined my life i returned to the stack. i had asked for a sign, it had been given. i hadnt followed through. so i looked for an excuse, ´ok God you know i couldnt wear it. i dont have scissors and without scissors i couldnt make the holes for the neck and sleeves. And i dont have glue and without glue the neck and sleeves will quickly come undone. also at the time i had asked God for an mp3 player so i could improve my french, i had brought a ton of pimsleur audio instruction from my uni library with me but had no way to listen to it.
in any case, on Good Friday, 2020, i found all together on the side of the street in freiburg in a box zum verschenken, or to give away: scissors, glue, and a parfectly functioning ipod. i burst out with ´scheisse,´ because i knew what it meant. i went then into the forest, where i was living at the time. cut holds for the neck and sleeves, glued them. And put on the bag, also praying for strength to leave it on for 24 hours. I went that evening into St Martins to confess, there werent masses becasue of covid. Entering a church dressed like this felt awful. there is no other way to put it. i have never liked drawing attention to myself. i was an overdresser before. people at mass said they had never seen me without a suit jacket. now i would be regularly reproached for my indecent dress.